I don’t know what love means anymore…
You had a rough day and you missed me I could interpret it in many ways but I didn’t… I just wanted to know what happened and be there for you. But as always I was too late or you had changed your mind.
I was in bed thinking about you… letting my mind calculate the astronomical possibilities that could have happened for a bad day in your life. And these intrusive thoughts would penetrate me.
“What did she miss about me?”
Over time I have made it a habit to shun such thoughts because when I find out that I’m having wishful thinking I hate myself – it hurts. I didn’t let my mind answer it or ponder. I pushed the thought away because I felt guilty. Afraid and some more things I couldn’t describe – I fell asleep.
I woke up to your question, and you asked if I was in love. For the moment I was blank and I couldn’t bring myself to answer it, everything was so black. So I asked you instead that why you were asking that but you didn’t budge. You wanted an answer and I did the thing stupid people do. I answered honestly. And you turned into a vegetable.
There was more to my answer and I need you to know. I don’t know what love means anymore. And I am afraid to admit that I am in love.
Having you in the back of mind every day. Every hour. Every minute, intruding thoughts and feelings repressed; If this is defined as love repressed missing you, then. I am afraid – I am in love.
Having wishful imaginations about you listening to music. Remembering old times I spent with you spontaneously. If this is ruminated to the conclusion of love, then. I am afraid – I am in love.
Having wants of exploring you more, body and mind. Having withdrawals for the drops of your being poured to me, little by little. if seen as the withdraws of the desire to love, then. I am afraid – I am in love.
Having heard your voice and finding myself dissolved; In the waves of your giggles and the sweet tone of your tongue, Searching in the blackness of my mind, Trying to shape your face from your melody. if is the certainty of love being metastasized, then. I am afraid – I am in love.
Being wishful of my hands being held and your gaze into my eyes; smiling. Torquing round and round, having you in my mind teaching me to be free. If this waltzing is considered the dance of love, then. I am afraid. I am in love.
Having the urge to meet you. Every day. Impress you and confide to; wanting to be the one you can call a home – willingly. if this malicious desire is the manifestation of love, then I am afraid. I’m falling for you.
Ever since the day I first came to gaze on your existence I have been a coward who had stirrings for you,. I have been the coward that denies feeling for you, who believed in his own failed version of love. The coward that learned to dance with you, The coward that fell in love with you – that foolish coward.
I’m sorry I’ve kept hurting you and loving you from a distance that can’t be measured. I confess, I’ve been in love with you and until now I’ve been afraid of losing you, I am still scared. But I had to confess… what love means to me anymore? I needed you to know.