He sat on the chair staring ahead at the wall, staring at the abysmal nothingness that kept reflecting the rips of the tears left by memories inside his eyes, sighs kept escaping his lips in place of breathes. He tried one more time to escape from this entrenching feeling that felt like a grave, but he clasped forward and his elbows came crashing down on the table in front of him.
He lowered his eyes and closed his hands together making it seem like he was begging to a higher power, but he wasn’t. Something slipped out of his bosom and into his eyes. it was a ring that slid out hanging out from his neck and it made him lose the smallest form of control he was hanging on to. His face turned instinctively to bring into his view a packet of cigarettes, he glanced at them and felt ages passed by. An inner battle was taking place in him where he kept still in between, waiting to make a choice. He smiled and shook his head as his eyelids dimly closed down, he could hear whispers of addiction call to him.
“No… You can’t replace her addiction” He whispered.
He glanced over to the screen where he kept staring at the words, words that this particular ‘her’ had immortalized him with. Words that made him feel more and more of the memories that kept leaking out of his dented heart, memories of home. His mind struggled, struggled hard to keep the gears of his heart from spinning, throwing rubble of thoughts in the machinery. But the thoughts kept crushing under the clockwork teeth and the gears spun faster with every spec.
“It will help“,
“Stop! Please… don’t make me write down my own… misery”.
He sat there inert containing all the violent vibrance crushing and screaming within him, a part of him was trying hard to hack out through his flesh, it was suffocating and it needed breath. His eyes began to flash, his tears amassed enough to reflect the light. Something kept whispering to him, kept asking him how many times had he been there in that moment and he felt too ashamed to answer. He closed his eyes and leaned back wrapping his own arms around himself, trying to contain the realization of reality from coming to him. But no matter what he did it kept coming to him, in bits.
“I know everything you try to tell me.” — “I’m trying to move on. I know I’m failing at every step. I know she doesn’t love me anymore. I know she made a choice. I know somewhere out there she will miss me too.” — “But here I am. Alone. I have no one but you, I have only myself to be trapped in. And I’m trapped because you keep me chained.” He gave in.
The clockwork contraption that had been toying with him slowed down as his fingers stopped tapping at the keys. It smiled a smile of gladness, staring him in the eyes from the abysmal nothingness. Its stare was like a softness that comes from the look in the eyes, the eyes of someone that feels like home, and he closed his eyes as he began to imagine.
He imagined walking on the sand in a corridor that had a single door. He stared at it walking toward it quietly. blinking unsure, fighting the urge to knock, his eyes began to water. And he realized it wasn’t his home anymore. He realized he was to stay on the island alone. And he felt something round in his hands and it was the ring he had stolen from her.
He opened his eyes and he wept sitting there, silently. Staring blankly ahead at the waves. Holding the ring against his heart, like it was a bullet without a gun. On his lonely island, he starved missing her, waiting for death.