The Red Pill(1)

Conditional-

When we were kids we were taught mathematics in school, for the A graders- it was fun, it was an awesome subject! But for the rest of us pathetic and averages by grade 4 it was boring in class exercise, the cringe in our homework and a tear jerking grade on our result cards. (All of you autistic math-geniuses can fuck off- we know you just liked it because you were good at it.)

I hated fractions- still do, every time I see that line between two numbers I know I’m fucked. Unfortunately I didn’t realize how fucked I was until I started to teach kids and eventually meet the bully from my past- and this time I was the one who was going throw the punches as one day when I was teaching my baby sister(and freaking out at her constant capacity of making the same mistakes), I realized how fractions work like odds- All my life I made bets on luck with the illusion of being special- of the idea that my perception could dominate reality on the whim of my desire; That if I select to roll a proverbial dice I would have the odds at 1:1(50%) instead of 1:5.(17ish%). [Hahaha]

Why didn’t the many teachers that taught me maths didn’t make me count my odds? Screw that why didn’t they make it fun? Why didn’t they elaborate it? Why did it all have to be cramming and practice? They could have made it an elaborate joke of grades- a funny story or anything but no they just had to come in write the question from the book and pretend to be teaching.

And here is where I would say again- Conditional. See here’s the thing people do things “conditionally”, my teachers they didn’t want to teach me maths for the sake of it or because they liked or loved to, they didn’t teach me maths because it made them fulfilled, I’m beating a dead horse here but it was a paycheck.

See they didn’t care if I learned maths- they didn’t care if I applied to my life- as long as I could count, multiple or add to the amount of zeros on their paychecks they were happy to beating the shit out of me when I screwed up and get paid for it, oh and don’t forget to take that X and X with a side of 0 out of 10.

Now before you jump on a high horse let me stop you because you wouldn’t know how to get down from it. It’s all bullshit when someone says they do it for the fulfillment- it’s all bullshit when they say they do it for love, it’s all shit when they all make you think you’re special. See when you shrink or take away that paycheck- the teachers they’re not going to stand by that speech they gave to look like lovely people; that they love doing it, that they cared, that it fulfilled them- the truth is everyone wants their pound of flesh. And the outliers making a difference out that you do see? There is an excellent and a very special word in the dictionary for people who do shit like that- it starts with I and ends with T because guess what no one can sustain in that direction because somewhere, someone in the universe is chopping cute little nuggets of flesh filling up the shape sorted TV dinner trays.

Okay still- let’s say we find that magical person- That. One. Good. Person; who has gone green and can sustain it, Okay yeah sure let’s entertain the idea of good people existing but if you’re telling me they’re one in ten,twenty, fifty or a hundred- I again introduce you to the concept of odds and tell you those are the odds of you not being the I to d T person.

Now this whole babble- it just doesn’t apply to the context I’ve put it in- you can pretty much see it happen in all kind of social relationships- friends, parents, siblings, lovers, coworkers and whatever wait- PETS too, There is always that one condition which acts as hinge in a relationship- It could be blood, It could be character, it could be nature or just plain old mutual dependency, whatever, It is that one thing you can’t bet against and expect to win. This fucking condition is what dick-tates the unspoken rule- you can break any other rule in the world and get away with it except for this bastard- And when you think you’re special or dealing with special the circumstances will not change in your favor just because it’s you and your desires. Adapt to have odds in your favor, eat a cupcake and run don’t voluntary to be a senile fat cupcake.

Lets move on,

Love and Nature-

Let’s see, look to the skies- see the stars? The space is ever-stretching? See how far the stars are from each other? And the space keeps stretching between them, they’re burning- look at the sun, look at it burning over and over, feeding the whole system- see how it’s feeding life- wonderful isn’t it?

Now imagine being the sun, imagine space being the nature of someone you care deeply about- guess what?

You’re fucked.

You see- The moment you decide to bet against somebody’s nature- You’re going to burn out but their nature? It won’t- and no matter how much you wish for your rays to reach them, you’d be a void in space before they cover half the original distance.

See when someone you love or trust breaks you- break that one thing on which the whole thing hinged upon- they reach that speed of expansion where no amount of rekindling will ever thrust your rays fast enough to stop the suffocation of life that sustained you; and when somewhere in time where you decide to fool yourself into thinking that one day things will change with this person- you will be empty when it hits you, as you realize you’ve wasted all that time wishing, hoping and wasting because you bet against somebody’s nature to change, the fact is you have been factored in the equation And it isn’t you or your worth that changes them.

And that day inches closer when you wouldn’t know what happens and the fuel runs out. And people call that romantic? It isn’t when you’re alive and not conjured from some Shakespeare’s novel.

Of course this isn’t a rule- it’s not a norm; Yes people change- not enough, mostly late and when they’ve been kicked enough times to the curb- Is that what people wait for? Is this what you would wait for? A kick in the head?

I hope not. Why?

Because if you ever take them back after that profoundly awaited kick- they know they could do it to you again because it becomes your nature to take them back.

The scorpion stings the frog and they both drown; Fooled you once shame on them, fooled you twice shame on you, hoping they’ll develop a character as they beat their own nature and recognize your worth WRONGO BONGO.

Here’s the thing- the only thing you can expect to change in life are your own choices- not your nature, you can give up to your own nature and call yourself whatever or you can choose to build a character by making a choice- See it’s sort of like reverse-revenge, you expect something profound to happen to this person who will become a prince/princess from a frog and endeared of you but here is the irony- they tell you dig two graves on the path of revenge but this in wished upon a star quasi reverse-revenge you only dig one grave. Yeah the whole idea of hope is WRONGO BONGO here.

Unfuck yourself and move on or cleave up a pound of flesh-

On that note a pound of flesh please.

To be continued.

Advertisements

About Haris

I've never seen myself as a writer but sometimes words just flow out of my fingers.
This entry was posted in Diary and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s